Couples Guide to Arguing and Resolving Conflicts

Every relationship comes with its fair share of challenges and all the wonderful moments. It’s pertinent that you understand this fact first so you can tread carefully when the challenges arise and enjoy the good times to the fullest. That’s the reason for this guide to help you in Arguing and Resolving Conflict as there are hardly any rules to enjoying the fantastic moments. But challenges if not handled while Resolving Conflict with care can escalate into something bigger and rip the marriage or relationship apart. If it doesn’t, it will leave permanent grudges in the relationship and make it a living hell for both parties.

This guide by CMX Chat – Writers Chat Room will help you navigate every argument, come out unhurt,  and also help you in resolving conflicts with your partner.

Let’s begin with the arguments and explore them from several angles.

The Purpose of Arguments and Conflicts

Arguments aren’t bad in a relationship, however, there are times when you can just zip it up and let things die naturally instead of engaging in arguments and risking resentment. But that’s outside marriage, let’s talk about it within the context of marriage.

The purpose of arguments in a relationship or marriage is to help both partners understand each other’s perspective about life and its numerous dimensions. It’s also to help each other learn in areas where they’re naive and don’t even know it.

Types of Arguments

By those two basic proposes of arguments, you can see that arguments come in different types and we’ve already highlighted two. So the first kind of argument helps you learn more about your partner’s opinion, likes, dislikes, and thought patterns as it relates to particular or different spheres of life which can help you in resolving conflicts with yourspartner.

The second kind of argument is to school each other and this kind of argument usually ends with the presentation of facts from the more learned party. It could be that your partner thinks his/her country is located within the Western Hemisphere but that’s wrong and it leads to series of arguments that end up with you showing proof that it is actually on the Eastern Hemisphere. This is a hypothetical situation and the argument could be just about anything but the endpoint leaves one party more educated than they use to be.

Now to the third and last which is where we’ll dwell upon. This kind of argument involves both parties claiming to be right and they are actually right from their individual viewpoints but can’t find a common ground to settle. Each thinks the other is completely wrong and they talk about it for a long time arguing and sometimes this could birth violence. That’s the part we don’t like; the violence whether it’s vocal or physical. Arguments are not supposed to leave each other hurt emotionally or physically.

It’s supposed to end with both parties learning new things, understanding each other better, and resolving conflicts which is why the section below will present you with rules to arguing. The rules are applicable to all kinds of arguments but more applicable to the last kind.

5 Rules to Arguing in Relationships

1. Don’t Dredge Up the Past

There are times when digging up dirt in the past can be permitted but not during an argument where you guys are fighting in a war of words. The atmosphere is heated up and tensed. This makes it very volatile and one point from the past although valid, can light things up further. Bringing points from the past is like fuel and when it drops right into the fire, it’s meant to burn higher than before.

Dredging up the past can take the argument from one lane into another and sometimes you could be right, but dredging up the past can turn the argument against you making you the predator and your partner the victim. It could be hard not to bring up the past especially when things repeat themselves, but you might want to save it for when the atmosphere is cooler and bring it up on a lighter note for the sake of peace it plays a major role in resolving conflicts with your partner..

2. Don’t Intimidate Your Partner

You could be right in the argument but don’t use it to intimidate your partner and make him/her feel reduced to nothing. Communicate your points politely and get rid of every tone that sounds like you’re bragging or being too cheeky in the conversation. Your partner is in your life to compliment you and not to be your rival so there’s no point in escalating an argument with your pride.

Tone it down and be rest assured that the growth of your partner is again to the relationship and not otherwise. Sometimes their view about a particular subject might be wrong, don’t make them feel bad about it. Dole out your points lightly and make them understand why they need to change their standpoint.

Don’t criticize them for where they choose to stand on a particular sphere of life, but let them know why they should be standing on your side.

3. Don’t Bring Up Weaknesses

We all have our weaknesses that are evident to not just our partners but to the world. While it’s not permitted to mention your partner’s weakness unless you’re about to help out, bringing them into arguments is incredibly a bad idea. Dredging up the past could be a fuel to an existing fire but adding weaknesses is more dangerous and could be likened to adding fuel and inflammables to a burning building. You should be putting out the fire instead of promoting its flames.

There’s no one who’s more aware of weaknesses than the bearer and stating the obvious is a direct attack on the personality of the person. Just like bringing up the past, pointing out weaknesses or using them as weapons of warfare in arguments can derail the argument into paths of grave issues that leaves both party hurt.

4. Be Mindful of Your Choice of Words

When arguing, it’s easy to get pissed at your partner’s failures to see things from your angle. It’s even frustrating when you are certain your point is valid, you’re right and your partner is downright wrong but fails to see through your lens. At this point your choice of words can aggravate the situation as you could resort to hurling insults.

When insults become part of the equation, we are looking at a fighting scene which could be verbal or vocal. Now the goal of arguments will be defeated here leaving everyone with a fair share of grief. It calls for extreme caution when picking words from your vocabulary. Choose carefully and tread with caution so you don’t incite violence with your language.

5. Stick to the Context and Avoid Deviating

You could be losing and the only way to avert the imminent bridge where you have to concede defeat is to derail. That’s very wrong, and yeah, conceding can be very difficult especially when your ego is on the line. But you have to accept defeat, you don’t have to win every time. Accept it and that makes you human not a little god that never fails. All of these brings us back to where you have to stick to the context. It means you shouldn’t bring up things that not related which makes no sense or pick on certain things which you know will definitely annoy your partner.

One thing about getting hurt during arguments is that, it’s a two-edged sword. When your partner is hurt, chances are that it’ll have a ripple effect on you. So you don’t have to go out of the context to introduce other angles of the arguments like bringing in the past, your partner’s flaws, there previous mistakes, or whatever you can to veer off the course. No, stick within context, accept the defeat, and you’d both be happy.

How to Resolve Conflicts in Relationships

Conflicts in relationships are meant to be resolved and not lead to the death of any relationship. Whether you guys are courting physically or it’s an online dating scenario, the conflicts will come regardless of how strong the love is.

The conflicts will test the love and stretch it to its breaking point. This is why couples who resolve conflicts tend to be stronger in love afterwards. They were tested and they passed, now they enjoy the results.

There are no golden rules to resolving conflicts and one method might work for you while the other won’t. However, we have 3 basic points that can help you resolve any conflict with your spouse, or dating partner.

Let’s get started with the first.

1. Talk It Out When Calm

The best time to resolve any conflict is when both parties are calm. This works all the time regardless of the degree of the quarrel. Every other means of resolving conflicts are hinged on this one factor of calmness. Serenity creates an atmosphere for peace, you should leverage this.

Consequently, one party has to douse the tension by apologizing, walking away, or compromising in the heat of the moment. It doesn’t matter if you’re right and he/she is wrong, all you want is for the situation to be pacified so you have to do the needful.

Apologize and let things end momentarily then go back to your drawing board and arrange your points. When everywhere is calm, you can come in peace with your points and table them. This gives you the advantage of choosing your words carefully, going through all sides of the issue, and coming up with a definite resolution plan.

2. Place Yourself in Your Partner’s Shoes

The reason why conflicts linger and often lead to the death of relationships and marriages is that both parties have failed to look at the situation from a different angle. Everyone is selfish, feels hurt, and feels right.

But have you ever sat down to place yourself in your partner’s shoes and see how it hurts? That’s the problem. You’ll never know until you wear that pair of shoes that your partner is wearing. Now you have to be intentional about this or else you won’t achieve it. So how do you go about it? It takes us back to the first point where you either walk away or do anything you can to pacify the heated moment.

Now take some deep breaths and try to see things from your partner’s standpoint because this can help you in resolving conflicts between you and your partner. When you do this, you’d realize that both of you are at fault and that’s where the situation can be resolved. It then boils down to who’s going to apologize or compromise first.

3. Understand Your Partner

The major reason why you can’t resolve the conflicts and they arise in the first place is that the two people involved barely understand each other. When understanding is there, newer conflicts can be resolved with ease because you both know what to do with each other and how your minds operate.

However, if you’re in the middle of the conflict already and it’s looking like it’s going to end the relationship, it’s the best time to bring up the subject of understanding. Let your partner know this challenge is because you don’t understand him or her enough and that if you both could talk it out, it’ll be of tremendous help to the relationship.

This will derail you guys from the major problem and place you on the path to peace. It works all the time and if your partner is not ready to talk it out with you, then he/she is not ready for the future of the relationship. However, it could be that the moment wasn’t right, so you would pick a time when the atmosphere around you guys is conducive for initiating such a discussion.

A Brief Note on Love Language and Apologies

While you go about arguing constructively for the benefit of your relationship and resolving conflicts, it’s also great if you get to understand your partner’s love language. This will help spice things up and make your relationship stronger after an argument or after a resolved conflict.

So what’s this all about?

“Love language” is what love means to your partner.

For some people, showing love is simply saying “I Love You” more times in a day and perhaps even in public places before friends and family.

For some others, saying all of that means nothing to them until you buy them gifts to make them happy, and helps you in resolving conflicts with the partner.

Some other person might interpret love as helping out with work. Or you help her do the dishes, follow her to the mall, attend her events, help her cook, wash and all of that. The name of that love language would be “Acts of Service“, among the rest which make up a total of 5 love languages.

So love language differs and you have to find out what your partner’s love language is by either observing them, doing some of the things we mentioned to see how they react to it, or just ask them.

Same goes for apology. Your partner’s apology language might be buying gifts to show you are sorry, or could be you saying you’re sorry and promising not to ever do it again. It varies and again you could just ask and enjoy a pleasant relationship.

Summary

Arguments are meant to help you and your partner understand each other better not fracture the relationship. Whether you are living together or in a distance relationship, the arguments will come, hence you shouldn’t do the following:

• Dredge up the past
• Derail from the context
• Use words freely
• Intimidate your partner or
• Bring up their weakness during arguments.

Conflicts are also meant to be resolved and help you guys bond better not rip the relationship apart. Consequently, you should;

1. Talk it out when calm
2. Try to view things from your partner’s viewpoint, and
3. Try to understand each other better.